And now something for the guys!

I love telling people what to do.

I love telling people what not to do.

I love telling people they're wrong.

Doing the things you love is important. Unfortunately it isn't always possible. For instance, there is a lot of shit going on in the bathroom where I work that is wrong which people shouldn't be doing, but how do you tell them about bathroom etiquette without breaking a key rule of bathroom etiquette (ie. don't fucking talk to me or look at me while I am reliving myself)?

So this is my avenue to inform and educate.

1-Like I said, do not under any circumstances talk to me while I am pissing or shitting unless you are like my best friend in the world. Even then, it better be funny.

Case in point - talking to someone from inside a bathroom stall. NEVER DO THIS. I know what you are doing in there and I don't want to talk about it, or over it, if you know what I mean.

2-While using a stall you have a bit of time on your hands, but please stop spitting snot all over the walls. Oh yeah, people actually do this. I have no idea who started this or how it started, but it has to fucking stop. There is a whole roll of paper right by your left hand. Got a booger? Put it in the paper.

3-Wash your fucking hands. For the love of god, soap, lather, hot water, what a great combination. Give them a try after you touch piss, shit, snot and other assorted things. You'll thank me later.

4-Don't brush your fucking teeth at the bathroom sink. I don't know why I hate this, but it bugs the shit out of me. Some cocksucker giving me an "I better than you" look because he brushes 3 times a day instead of 2.

5-Don't piss half bare assed. Instead of undoing their pants (belt, button, fly whatever) they pull their retard elastic waist pants down around their waist and piss with their ass showing. Oh yes, people still fucking do this and you know what? It ain't okay. Nobody needs to see a 50 year old mans bare ass while they piss, NOBODY! It’s funny when a 5 year old learns to use a urinal and he does it, but in a public bathroom, in this day and age nobody’s ass should be on display and that includes gay public bathroom pick up joints. We all pay for those toilets; if you want a casual fuck, take it to a hotel like everyone else.

6-This one bothers me more than almost anything. Why do people piss in the stalls instead of the Urinals? There are a number of issues with this, but it basically revolves around the fact that without fail they are going to piss on the seat. Generally speaking I have yet to meet a Francophone that will piss at the urinal. It must be a distinct society thing, but I find it very hard to understand why pissing with the air of shit in your nose is preferred to pissing at the urinal. As I type the only explanation I have is that these guys are all bare assed pissers who have some dignity, in that case continue I suppose, but lift the fucking seat. Of course this causes a bigger problem because the guys who piss in the stalls never wash their fucking hands and the thought adding the touching of a dirty toilet seat to their already filthy hands grosses me out. So I guess what I am saying is just smarten the fuck up and piss like everyone else.

7-This is a big one for the corporate world. You know your boss? The guy with the nice suit and perfect hair. The guy with the immaculate office and the clean car etc. etc. etc. Well this guy takes your work, or whatever you give him to "get back to you on" into the toilet with him while he shits. This is a 50 year old man who's digestive system is in the process of collapsing, who reads and corrects your shit while he shits. His "business" is never quiet, it always smells and it takes a long fucking time. The whole time he is shitting that work of yours is in his hot little hands. Then this guy leaves the bathroom and throws that fucking biohazard on your desk and says "good job Martin". That's right, your boss really does leave his shit on your desk. In addition, he takes the group/team/division copy of the newspaper in there too. Just thought you should know.

8-This one goes back to the 50 year old man who is in the toilet for a long time making a lot of noise. I wish I was at the point in my life where I was comfortable with my bathroom orchestra, but I am not and you shouldn't be either. I can't stress this enough, but if there is a rumble down below cover it up with a flush. Nobody wants to here you fart and nobody wants to here your shit hit the water. Courtesy flush, courtesy flush, courtesy flush. And hey! When you're finished why not try actually flushing the fucking toilet. There is nothing that will ruin your day like seeing somebody else's shit in the bowl. I stand corrected there is one thing, seeing somebody else's shit all over the fucking bowl/seat/wall.

Holy shit, we all shit that's a given, but some people take barber shop to new heights. How can these people can still look themselves in the mirror after they have shit all over the fucking place, whipped their ass one time and walked out Scott free with your report under one arm without washing their hands? Wonder why I am asking how they can look themselves in the mirror? Because that is the last thing they do before they leave the bathroom. They fix their fucking corporate hair style. That's right, 1- shit 2- whip in hair 3- leave.

So finally rule 9- If you shit/piss and don't plan on washing your hands, do your self a favour, don't bother fixing you hair with your shitty piss hands. Who are you trying to look good for, bacteria?

So that’s it. Stick to those simple rules and I will be a much happier participant in the whole public bathroom thing.