In the sad reality that has become my life, I seem to spend every waking minute of my weekend watching low-budget fix-it or design shows.

I hate a lot of things about these shows, namely that blond carpenter on "While you were out" who talks with a real (totally fake) manly voice and says things like "that's going to be awesome dude!", but in reality it is the "reveal" of all of these shows I hate.

First off they bring the designer in to talk to the host and they suck one another off while discussing how much work they did in 2 days (why 2 days?).

"Holy shit we painted a 12' x 12' room beige in 48 hours and then added a bookshelf, we are the man!"

The real problem here is that the host gives all of the credit to the designer, while the rest of the crew that did all the actual work gets nothing.

I watched a show yesterday that had a designer pointing to areas on a deck (built for the show) where she wanted planters placed (someone else carried them of course). The she ran off to a gazebo area of the backyard where she wanted a cedar recliner and a table placed, then she ran to the middle of the already landscaped yard and had the same men put in a round table patio furniture set.

After all of this is done, this fucking two-bit asshole tells her she's a genius and he loves all the work she's done. Her reply? THANK YOU, it was really hard.

This fucking bitch walked around in a black dress and high heels, showing all kinds of cleavage, while carpenters and labours did ALL OF THE WORK!

This is who gets the credit? Four guys build a huge deck in 2 days (not really that hard, but hard enough), then they build the furniture and put together the gazebo, then they place it all in a beautiful back yard while this BITCH watches and she takes the credit. I get it, it was her idea to build a square deck, and use cedar furniture in a backyard. WOW, what an idea a deck and patio furniture!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Of course, go to Loblaws and you'll find exactly the same bullshit she uses in the garden section there. It is your tenth stop on the non-food tour of Loblaws.

Before I go further here is some advice, if you ever have a guy in your house named John Bruce or a woman named Hildi Santos Thomas, kill then and bury their bodies in the yard.

Side note:

Hildi's real name is Hilda Thomas (like tank engine), she says her name is Hildi Santos Thomas (Toe-Moss) so people think she is European. It came out on a show that she is from some butt hole state like Ohio. So basically she married a Mexican hyphenated her name and pronounces it wrong. What an arrogant pig. I she ever put a jar full of cooked eggs floating in vinegar in my living room, I would kill her DEAD.

I have had enough of moderately hot women wearing inappropriate cloths trying to do renovations. I am not gay, I am currently wearing a shirt that says "PUT THEM ON THE GLASS" to prove it, but it has to stop during construction. You always know exactly how much work these people are going to do, when you see what they wear to do it in.

Case in point -
Mike Holmes, overalls, muscle shirt works his ass off.
Doug form trading spaces -tight black pants, fancy shoes and a dress shirt, fucks the dog (literally and figuratively).

Lesile Segrette "while you were out", pants, tee shirt, BOOTS (God I wish she would dress sluttier) carpentry, sewing, painting etc. etc.
Evan Farmer "while you were out", designer blue jeans, vintage tee's (to show off his guns) perfect hair does nothing. I saw him use a Mitre saw once, don't know why. Talks about time a lot.

AND THEN THERE’S Hildi, if it isn't black and costs more than the room she is redoing, forget it. LAZY BITCH, BAD DESIGNER.

These so called designers are idiots. They buy their furniture at the same store you do, and every body shops at Homedepot.