Letter to "The NAtional" on CBC

Last nights ‘National” broadcast (27/02/06) dedicated a great deal of time to a story on air safety in Canada.

While the issue surrounding delayed approvals for mandatory safety equipment on Canadian airplanes was interesting, the entire story seemed to be centered on little more than fear mongering.

The story was peppered with words like "potential" when describing awaiting air disasters. The story ran graphic news reels of air disasters involving hundreds of people on commercial jets, and yet the apparent problem at the centre of the story involved a lack of safety equipment on small personal aircraft.

You used alarming statistics like “200 near misses” in a year, but barley mention that is worldwide involving all types of aircraft. You carefully spaced out the “tens of thousands of flights” in Canada statistic because when a viewer put the 200 near misses worldwide against Canada’s miniscule percentage of worldwide air traffic, the stats would be laughable. The clinging to straws continued when a 5 year old mid air collision was sited involving a personal aircraft and helicopter as a key example of the “potential” problem.

One minute you are insinuating that a disaster involving an Air Canada jet over Toronto is imminent and the next minute you backhandedly explaining that the real danger involves single engine pipers and Cessnas piloted by inexperienced pilots over remotes areas of Canada.

I really should not be surprised in this day and age where speculative journalism has replaced news on actual events, but it seems every time I see a story like this I get angry. Flying is scary enough for a lot of people without you reporting potential dangers that don’t really exist.

Stick to reporting events, don’t try and make news.

USA, USA, USA!!!!!

The games have come and gone and the news is in.

On paper the Winter Olympics weren't a total disaster for the USA, but they pretty much were a total disaster when you actually look at the memorable winners.

Biggest winner would probably be Sasha Cohen. Silver, figure skating, glamour event, made for TV, fuck off. Well what a test of strength that event is, but I accept that it is an event so she got a silver medal. Except that she fell down twice in the first 30 seconds of her routine and still won the silver. I know they claim to have fixed the judging, but I am sorry, under the old system if you fell once somebody else had to fall twice for you to get a medal. If you fell twice, get up and skate to the boards because your games were over. After falling twice her numbers were still higher than the Canadian girl who didn't fall. Don't give me a weak explanation of attempts and artistry, the Canadian girl was just as good and didn't fall. Sorry USA, but you didn't deserve that medal.

Lots of good press over the Ice Dance win. Well Ice dance sucks and your country's government had to break its own laws to get you that medal so I am taking that one too. You changed the time restrictions on citizenship to allow a Canadian to skate for you so you could win a medal. That is bullshit and so is that medal.

So two big events and your minus 2. (2-25=23)

Women's hockey. World Champions finish in the bronze position. N0 matter what anybody tells you about it being good for the sport, Women's hockey is a 2 country game and if you go in as the favourites and finish 3rd you lost. I'll take that medal too.

You might be wondering why I would take a bronze or deny its validity. Well if it comes in a speed or distance event, then yes you actually won something, but if you win the loser game in an 8 team tournament, I'm sorry but that just won't do. (This does not apply to Curling, that medal for the USA actually was impressive).

Okay, where were we, oh yeah minus 3. (1-23=22)

So what's left...How could I forget the Snowboarding medals, all 8 of them. THAT'S RIGHT EIGHT SNOWBOARDING MEDALS OUT OF 25.

No "if's", "and's", or "but's" I am taking all of them. The entire idea that a country with as much as the US (Money, training, population, Olympic experience, etc.) got one third of its medals from this "NEW" sport is laughable. In one discipline everything is judging so it is already a bullshit event, in another discipline you are allowed to push your opponents off the track making it the only Olympic event where this type of crap is acceptable. Olympics are about one MAN/WOMAN against the clock. The fact that you race against people saves time. Instead of 1 man heats they make space for 8, but in reality, you are racing a clock, or a scale, or a ruler. That is it. There are of course exceptions boxing, judo, fencing etc. But that is a one on one brawl, not a speed race where you can negatively affect the score/time/result of your opponent. Remember, in the Olympics there are no "Opponents/enemy's".

Just to put the cherry on this argument, one of the snowboarding medals was a silver received after the American race leader decided to show off and fell down allowing someone else to win the race. Fucking brilliant, I am going to take that medal twice for sheer stupidity.

Remember that episode of MASH where Hot Lips' husband started cheering before the end of a race and fell into the camouflage and cost Margaret a 3 day pass in Tokyo? Well it doesn't matter if you do because I do and it’s a simple life lesson, don't cheer before the race is over otherwise Hot lips will give you the business.

One third of America's Olympic medals came from Snowboarding. The TV ratings grab thrust into the games by the American's, so they could make money advertising during the games. Do I need to go on? No, Okay, so they are minus 11, what's left? (8-22=14)

Women's bobsled, alright I guess, but it is a brand new event so that is a little weak. But it is a tough event so Okay, Alright you can have it.

I forgot to mention that the moguls medal is gone too. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. A timed race with points for ski tricks is not a FUCKING sport or test of one's self.

Minus 12... (1-14=13)

So that is it. Final tally for the USA, in Olympic sports that weren't created for TV audiences or stolen from Canada, 13 medals for the USA, 8th place ahead of South Korea.

So as for the 13 legit medals (speed skating both long and short, Alpine skiing, curling)

The USA won two medals in alpine skiing, but with the pre-event expectations, calling 2 medals a win is hugely inaccurate. This portion of the games was a huge failure for the USA. Thanks again Brody!

Speed Skating went reasonably well with Gold in 2 of the premier events (Men's 500m and 10,000m). However, 4 athletes combined to win 9 medals in speed skating. So without those 4 athletes forgetting everything else I said the USA wins 16 medals. The USA sent over 200 athletes and got 25 medals; if they send 196 they get 16 medals. Not too fucking good.

You're probably thinking, "well Canada won some crappy medals and without one speed skater they would have only won 18 medals". This is true to a degree, but 18 is more than 16, and more importantly, Canada won 24 medals in more different disciplines than any other country. That is huge. Canada won more medals in more different sports than anyone else. They also had more top 5 finishes than anyone else (45) including 13 4th place finishes. Not to get off topic, but I feel so bad for people who finish 4th at the Olympics.

On top of winning at just about everything, Canada had only 2 real bullshit medals, both bronze, in moguls and snowboarding.

Canada may have finished 1 medal behind the USA, but I think it is pretty clear; they blew it during these games. The USA spends more on athlete training than Canada does, it has hosted 4 winter Olympic games. FOUR TIMES, TWICE IN THE SAME CITY, TWICE IN THE LAST 25 YEARS. And last but not least, THERE ARE 270 MILLION AMERICANS AND ONLY 32 MILLION CANADIANS. Do the fucking math.

As an additional aside the USA used one Canadian to win a medal and Australia used another, so the way I figure it we actually finished with 26 medals, ahead of America's 25.

I think if we look at this way my point is even clearer

Canada - 1 medal for every 1.3 million people
USA - 1 medal for every 10.8 million people

So with a population the size of Canada the USA wins 3 medals and Canada with 270 million people wins 207 medals.

Anyway you want to look at it, Canada had a nice little Olympics (not perfect) and the USA had a hugely unsuccessful games. Real events, glamour sports and the Europe only events (Bobsled, cross country skiing) Canada outperformed the USA in all of them.

God Save the Queen

I write some typical ramblings about Canada and the Monarchy every year and try to spread my diseased thoughts through the various local rags, I mean newspapers.

This is part of something I wrote to the Ottawa citizen after they published ANOTHER article about getting rid of the Monarchy. The latest was subtley called “Ditching royals is easy, expert says” February 17, 2005.

Why does the Ottawa Citizen deem it necessary to publish an article about getting rid of the Monarchy? Basically every two years another joker brings up this issue and we have to read about it in the paper. This time the source material is not coming from the mouth of John Manley the usual suspect, but from another passed over Liberal MP, Ed McWhinney, a politician that has long faded from view after a not so illustrious public career. McWhinney, perfectly fitting name in my opinion, is passing himself off as some kind of expert and the Ottawa Citizen is basically helping him advertise the fact that he has a new book coming out. Are the Citizen and McWhinney working for the same publisher?

Now there is a story, CanWest Global Commercial Corporation and former Liberal MP join forces to rid Canada of its Monarchy, news at eleven.

Personally, I feel good knowing that this country’s head has no political agenda and is totally unaffiliated with big business. The Queen truly has nothing but our best interests at heart. Just listen to the Queen’s Christmas message; she talks about national successes, over coming personal tragedy through triumph and building communities. When is the last time a two bit, low rent, glory hog, pension seeking politician like McWhinney had such a noble message? Politicians are too busy pointing out what is wrong with the country and only ever congratulate themselves for national successes in the hopes of getting re-elected.

Prince Charles, our future King, has spent the better part of 25 years helping to rebuild and reshape the United Kingdom. How does this relate to Canada? Well one of Prince Charles’ main vices is working with children and young people through organizations that help them find success through learning and initiative. When he visits Canada it is not for the skiing and the free maple syrup, it is to congratulate successful Canadian youths who participate in his organizations. Yet after work like this we continue to criticize him because we think his new fiancé is not as attractive as his long dead ex-wife.

Instead of asking burned out politicians what they think of the Monarchy why not ask the thousands of charities and organizations that benefit from Royal involvement or the hundreds of thousands of citizens that benefit from those charities. Instead of pointless man on the street opinion polls which search for the most controversial answers and statements for publication or broadcast why not present the alternatives. You can have a monarch who visits every two years, is heavily involved in Charities and trusts that his or her elected representatives are working with your best interests at heart or you can try saying something like President Jean Chrétien five times and see how you feel afterwards. I personally feel sick just writing it.

God Save the Queen.

Where are Commericials Going?

My mind is constantly in the wrong place, so fuck off if you’re expecting me to say I don't believe Jessica Simpson eats Pizza Hut bites.

My problem involves all feminine product commercials on TV.

First on the list is the "New" line of Feminine contraceptive products. I know you have seen it. It is a cartoon type add in the style of Sex and the City. You know, classy, modern, independent women, but still sexy, make me fucking puke. The commercial is a cartoon with women dancing in a night club while a voice over discusses the product line.

-Feminine warming lotion (before)
-Condoms (during)
-Feminine cleansing cloths (After)

Smart right?

To suggest that a company would try and "classy-fy" these products is laughable. Well I must be laughing because Trojan or Lifestyle (whoever the hell is hawking this shit) has done just that. This commercial should have strippers and porn stars in it, not the modern metropolitan woman trying to pick up in New York's hottest nightspot.

(I know that your wondering what the difference is between a hooker and a woman looking to pick up in New York's newest hot spot, and your right. I fucked up. There is very little difference. )

To save you reading everything my point about this commercial and similar others is, "can't we all just fuck without making so much noise about it". These people have tried to "classy-fy" 3 products better known as:

Rubbers, Lube and Cum rags.

That's what they are selling people. I'm sorry, but that is it. Think about it good and hard. If you’re married these are the tools for butt fucking, if your a hooker these are the tools of the trade.

As for the Sex and the City problem. Can somebody please explain to me why I when I watch a hockey game (no matter what channel) I get 50 to 60 tampon/maxi pad commercials every hour, but when Sex and the city is on it is nothing but advertisements for monster trucks, car races and "Guy" movies.

This not only pisses me off, but it blows my fucking mind. The ONLY explanation is that only gay men watch the show (what does that say about me? more later....) and the right wing American establishment is secretly trying to brainwash gays with less than subtle subliminal advertising.

Anyway, on to more feminine product commercials

I would like to begin by saying that there are way too many "pad" and "pon" commercials on TV no matter what show you are watching. Who in god's name are these people advertising to? I am not a woman and have never bought feminine products, but I can be sure that the day I do I will be looking for a rounded tip with a satin finish and a braded end, or in a pad, something thin, but extra absorbent, with a top sheet and wings.

Think about it, if this is general knowledge to me, you have to be pretty fucking sure that every woman in the world knows basically what they are looking for. Advertise in store if you have to, use coupons whatever, just stop dumping blue liquid on shit because the visual is killing the game of hockey.

As for the advertisements themselves, we get it; women don't shut down four days a month anymore. They are active and sexy, so they better be comfortable. Make me puke.

As for the “women on the go who are also independent and sexy”, why is their dad/boyfriend/brother/husband in the commercial always a total fucking moron? Why does mom/sister/wife/girlfriend come to the rescue or outsmart (insert guy) every fucking time? What the hell happened? As an example of world's colliding, think tampex commercial - Guy rows girlfriend across the lake. During the trip the boat springs a leak. While idiot fumbles for a plug, girlfriend jams a tampon in the hole and stops the leak. Again the visual is a little more than I needed.

People talk about trends swinging like a pendulum; well imagine what happens the day men finally rise again. After twenty years of this type of bullshit I can only say god help us all because tits in beer commercials won't satisfy us. Out of the way, we’re going to blow!

How about one more feminine product commercial before I go kill myself? But honestly stop now if you can't take the heat because it is going to get offensive. If the first half bothered you, walk away.

This commercial involves the modern woman who likes fucking and the modern guy who is a total fucking purse.

Again our product is "Lube", sorry feminine moisturizer and warming massage lotion, or some bullshit.

Well the commercial starts with a dude in Khakis and a sweater reading a magazine in bed. Whatever. His lady is in the forefront listening to the "voice". The voice starts talking to the lady about how this lube will get and keep you wet, but also warms you up. Dude's ears perk up and he starts giving "Misses" the rub down. He is stoked about a hot wet wife and honestly who isn't?

Okay....I may not have fucked a hundred ladies, but I have been inside a few and I can assure even the dumbest TV husband that it is already hot in there and you don't need lube to help with that aspect. As for the moisturizing part, I am going to throw the issue of "occasional feminine dryness" out the window and suggest that if you need to use "Hot lube" to get your wife wet she doesn't want to fuck you in the first place. Get ready for a divorce, or get it out of her ass.

ah thank you...

In the sad reality that has become my life, I seem to spend every waking minute of my weekend watching low-budget fix-it or design shows.

I hate a lot of things about these shows, namely that blond carpenter on "While you were out" who talks with a real (totally fake) manly voice and says things like "that's going to be awesome dude!", but in reality it is the "reveal" of all of these shows I hate.

First off they bring the designer in to talk to the host and they suck one another off while discussing how much work they did in 2 days (why 2 days?).

"Holy shit we painted a 12' x 12' room beige in 48 hours and then added a bookshelf, we are the man!"

The real problem here is that the host gives all of the credit to the designer, while the rest of the crew that did all the actual work gets nothing.

I watched a show yesterday that had a designer pointing to areas on a deck (built for the show) where she wanted planters placed (someone else carried them of course). The she ran off to a gazebo area of the backyard where she wanted a cedar recliner and a table placed, then she ran to the middle of the already landscaped yard and had the same men put in a round table patio furniture set.

After all of this is done, this fucking two-bit asshole tells her she's a genius and he loves all the work she's done. Her reply? THANK YOU, it was really hard.

This fucking bitch walked around in a black dress and high heels, showing all kinds of cleavage, while carpenters and labours did ALL OF THE WORK!

This is who gets the credit? Four guys build a huge deck in 2 days (not really that hard, but hard enough), then they build the furniture and put together the gazebo, then they place it all in a beautiful back yard while this BITCH watches and she takes the credit. I get it, it was her idea to build a square deck, and use cedar furniture in a backyard. WOW, what an idea a deck and patio furniture!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Of course, go to Loblaws and you'll find exactly the same bullshit she uses in the garden section there. It is your tenth stop on the non-food tour of Loblaws.

Before I go further here is some advice, if you ever have a guy in your house named John Bruce or a woman named Hildi Santos Thomas, kill then and bury their bodies in the yard.

Side note:

Hildi's real name is Hilda Thomas (like tank engine), she says her name is Hildi Santos Thomas (Toe-Moss) so people think she is European. It came out on a show that she is from some butt hole state like Ohio. So basically she married a Mexican hyphenated her name and pronounces it wrong. What an arrogant pig. I she ever put a jar full of cooked eggs floating in vinegar in my living room, I would kill her DEAD.

I have had enough of moderately hot women wearing inappropriate cloths trying to do renovations. I am not gay, I am currently wearing a shirt that says "PUT THEM ON THE GLASS" to prove it, but it has to stop during construction. You always know exactly how much work these people are going to do, when you see what they wear to do it in.

Case in point -
Mike Holmes, overalls, muscle shirt works his ass off.
Doug form trading spaces -tight black pants, fancy shoes and a dress shirt, fucks the dog (literally and figuratively).

Lesile Segrette "while you were out", pants, tee shirt, BOOTS (God I wish she would dress sluttier) carpentry, sewing, painting etc. etc.
Evan Farmer "while you were out", designer blue jeans, vintage tee's (to show off his guns) perfect hair does nothing. I saw him use a Mitre saw once, don't know why. Talks about time a lot.

AND THEN THERE’S Hildi, if it isn't black and costs more than the room she is redoing, forget it. LAZY BITCH, BAD DESIGNER.

These so called designers are idiots. They buy their furniture at the same store you do, and every body shops at Homedepot.

Dale Begg-Smith, YOU'RE ON MY LIST..ASSHOLE

Dale Begg-Smith

Welcome to my list of Canadian atheletes who take a suck, fuck over Canada for a little glory. Enjoy your gold medal, and your new home. BUT DON'T YOU DARE COME BACK. Stay in the sun and fun bitch, and when you want to train for the world cup or whatever, go somewhere else you pissy little fucking bitch. (Too late, he claims he lives in Melbourne, but maintains a home in Vancouver)

Half assed attempt at a quote - "my coaches wouldn't let me (a 15 year old boy) keep my Internet business going so I quit the team and pretended to be Australian. Fuck the free ride and money invested into me by my home and taxpayers, I have a kiddie pron site to run. "

So jackass quits the team because he couldn't make required training sessions, goes to Australia and strats his own national team with his brother allowing him to train as he likes. Business is going well, but Begg-Smith says about his company and focus (NOW FOR A REAL QUOTE)

"I've tapered it down over the last couple of years to concentrate on skiing"

Are you fucking kidding me? This fucking asshole does exactly what we tell him he should and he wins a gold for another country with no god damned snow.

You want to make it worse. How do you really piss me off? Well he fucked Canada because we paid for that gold, it's ours, but worse still....

Unfucking believable. A Canadian (Marc Andre-Moreau) finished 4th. That's right, he moves way up my list because he cost us 2 medals.

So he really is Australian afterall, fucking wallet theif.

Enjoy your gold and PS. Go fuck yourself

Stars and stripes forever

Our world is almost perfect today. The United States, a country of 270 million people, a country with the Rockies, a country that has hosted the winter Olympics FOUR TIMES (Twice in the same city and 2 times in the last 25 years), a country that invests more money in illegal drug doping technology than Russia and China combined, a country that is so fucking cocky it makes you want to spit on them every time you see one, the United States... has won 9 medals as of the 9th day of these Olympic games.

Hey that's pretty good you’re thinking at home. Sure, you might be right, except they have one exactly 2 medals in events that existed before the bullshit event explosion, post the 1988 games.

GREAT!

If not for the halfpipe. Yeah I said halfpipe. If not for the halfpipe, the USA would have 5 medals. A judging sport. A sport where athletic ability, stamina and true competition take a back seat to Xbox abilities.

GREAT!

If not for Snowboarding. Yeah I said snowboarding. If not for snowboarding, the USA would have won 4 medals. So if not for a sport that does not consider Marijuana a banned substance, even though it's illegal, the USA would have 4 medals.

Lest we forget that for 3 years, 11 months and 1 week people who "compete" in this "sport" are considered slacker parasites by the ENTIRE FUCKING ESTABLISHMENT. The only positive "performance" for USA athletes has come from people in the anti-establishment. These "Athletes" are on the shoulders of a nation for three weeks, but when March comes they are the same people who will be yelled at on the slopes of Vail, forced off the property at the top resorts and told to get real jobs. I FUCKING LOVE IT!

"God bless America, land that I love. Stand beside her, and guide her...."

Does anybody know what all of this really means? Well firstly, given the history of these types of "events" they probably will not get reupped for the next games. These alternative sports are ever changing and different events are introduced every year and events like "Snowboarding cross" will be replaced by "Snowboarding combined" or some bullshit. Don't believe me? Well where is Downhill ballet? So in the next games the mighty USA will stand next to no chance at finding the podium.

So what does that mean?

Well a bad set of games this year, and a worse set in 2010 means that in 2014 the Olympic coverage for the winter games will be non-existent. Do you know how great that is? Oh my God, I can barely control my bowels. You mean I will actually see coverage of Speed skating, Cross country skiing and the downhill?

Don't believe me? Well the usually arrogant American press (NBC) has 2 stories on their site today that go something like this.

"Bode Miller is not bothered about Olympic medals and could walk away from the sport of ski racing at any time without a single regret, the American says in an interview."

"Sometimes winners don't get a medal"

Sounds kind of like Canadian coverage, doesn't it?

Face it, American coverage revolves around the glamour events and events they might win. Take one of those out of the equation and what are they left with? Figure skating. Now there is a great test of strength, speed and ability. FUCK OFF.

Now I can't blow my load too early. The real sports will have to hold it together this year. We can't have any guys named Apollo, Brody, Chest or Chad win a god damned thing.

I won't be able to sleep tonight, I am so excited, after all 2014 is just around the corner.

Is "Goodnight Josephine" The best song ever

Is it? Good question. Maybe not, but it put a smile on my face this morning.

The Tragically hip may not be the biggest band in Canada anymore, but they are still the best.

Note to Nickleback: You fucking suck shit

The world will certainly not stop turning when the Hip come to town, the way it did in 1994 for the show at the Civic Centre or the 2 sold out shows at the Corel Centre in 1996. That was a magic time. Lining up all night for tickets with nothing but a milk crate full of ice and beer. I met a woman I would lust after for years at those shows while I was drinking to forget another woman I had loved years before. All vivid memories of being a young adult (or just an asshole).

Anyway, 10 years later and Canada has moved on to the likes of Nickleback (Why God, Why!) I guess I was a little down in the dumps over the fact that the HIP had grown up and their music had changed. Probably the same reason pop radio has largely ignored them since Music@Work. Basically it comes down to the absence of the old arrogance. Where was the bar room drawl?

We all have some favourite improves. A few of my faves include
-Have you ever been in love, I counted ten!
-My name is Gord and I will be your substitute teacher this evening.
-Do you like my banana?
-Did you hear that? Did you fucking hear that? JESUS CHRIST!
-I thought it was dated, but I have seen more of the world than she has".

Well that stuff and the place it came from is basically gone. For the sake of their families and their health it's for the best, but for Rock'n'roll it fucking hurts.

So they grow up and change a bit and we ignore them.

When I look at the Hip, I have to look at the Pre-Trouble at the hen house and the Post period. That album probably marked their peak in popularity but also their musical shift. I consider it by far their weakest album, with the exception of Music@work. To each their own I guess, but Phantom Power, In Violet light and In between evolution are very strong, but the last two were largely ignored by popular radio and the kids of today.

A year after the release of what I consider one of the best Hip albums (In between evolution) since.....I was going to say "since Phantom power", but forget it. Every song on this album is great and it has three classics so it is one of their best no exceptions. Anyway while listening to the album last night by accident; I stumble onto "Goodnight Josephine". Sure I have listened to it before, but last night/this morning, I have come to the conclusion that I think this is one of the finest HIP songs ever. Rocking song with a slow build, but more importantly it has a line that I really enjoy misinterpreting. I don’t know the actual lyric (wha has that kind of time) but to me it is "Liquor and Drugs". It reminds me of old Hip and that can't be bad.

So listen to the fucking song, and maybe play it on the fucking radio.

In the end, what I am really saying is change is not good. The Barenaked ladies are a gimmick band and Nickleback is the worst bullshit on the airwaves today, and maybe if somebody pulled their head out of their ass and played the EXCELLENT songs on newer hip albums instead of deeming them washed up, I wouldn't have to listen to that fucking "steering wheel" bullshit garbage crap assed shit song by Nickleback 50 times a fucking day.

More Sarah Harmer less Avril Lavigne
More Hip and NO FUCKING NICKLEBACK
More Sum 41 less/NO Simple plan

etc. etc. etc.

Maybe we’re born lost,
Born to persevere

Fuck you, Toronto hater!

Not exactly a long time in coming, but here are a few reasons I hate....HATE the city of Toronto.

-The Superiority complex.

Why, because it is the biggest, most important city in Canada? Canada, a country of 30 million people? Get over yourselves, London craps bigger than you, you aren't even a suburb in Mexico City and none of you barbarians would be allowed to live in Tokyo. Also on your list of cities that are WAY FUCKING better than you. New York, Vancouver, Berlin, Paris, San Diego, San Francisco, Dallas, LA, Seoul, Chicago, Boston, Hong Kong, Shanghai (and it goes on and on like this) . Toronto is a toilet full of gun violence, 2nd rate theatre, homeless people, traffic congestion and American shopping malls. Way to go!

-The Toronto Maple Leafs.

This team has been shit since the mid-1960's. A couple of good playoff runs with Doug Gilmore and they are treated like perennial Stanley Cup favourites. They maybe the richest most popular team in hockey, but there really isn't any reason to brag about being the second best team in Ontario. Don't get me wrong, I hate the Ottawa Senators. Getting dizzy, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I hate the Senators... I FUCKING HATE THE OTTAWA SENATORS, FUCK, HATE, FUCK, HATE...sorry, what happened, I blacked out there for a minute.

-Proline Gambling and the SkyDome

These are just two examples that are indicative of a greater problem. The Blue Jays need a new stadium, one for the ages. They can't afford it, so the whole province has to pay for it. All of us. Before we finish paying for it (WAY over $200 million), they sell it for like $40 million dollars. the buyer gets a deal, the city keeps its team, but every other person in Ontario outside of the precious GTA, gets FUCKED.

As for the proline. Like I have previously mentioned, we use to be able to bet on NBA basketball in this province, but so Toronto could get the raptors, all of Ontario had to give up proline NBA games. If it is that big of a deal, ban the betting inside the GTA. It is after all fucking huge. But leave the rest of us in this HUGE province the hell alone. I don't care about David Stern or the sanctity of the game. Fuck them all, they have never done anything for me, but have now done something against me. How is that fair?

-Toronto centered Sport news.

I don't live in Toronto, but because I can drive there in less that 24 hours, I have to watch endless hours of Leaf, Argo, and Raptor highlights. Nobody cares about the last two, so why must I watch that bullshit? Fuck off, I can't add anymore.

-Vote Liberal

Just because they pretend to care about ethnic voters this party sweeps Toronto constantly. It is fucking crazy how ingrained this party is in the civil culture of the city. It is genius on their behalf, but maddening and a little retard as far as everyone else should be concerned. Your votes fuck up Canada, stop it. Trudeau is dead get over him, or dig him up and run him for mayor.

-People from Toronto (more clarification later) part 1

They never stop talking about how great that fucking toilet is. Sure there are great parts, but on the whole, it is the same dump as every other city in Canada. More gay people give the illusion of class with fancy shops, cloths and restaurants, but trust me, the city is fucking a strip mall. This is no "World Class City".

- City TV

The Frankenstein guy on City TV news, the Sports guy on City TV with the greasy hair, the tough talking sports chick on City TV and the "bottoms on" Baby blue movies. This channel and its no camera man, no desk policy is SHIT...SHIT, so fuck off.

-Commercials

Bad, no horrible commercials. The 3 "Beautiful" suits for $1 asshole, the guy who pulls gold out of the mouths of dead people to get you a deal and of course Nobody beats Bad boy, nobody.

-Omni 1

Lucy Zilious or however you spell her fucking name. Shut that bitch up.

-Much Music

............................................Sorry, still trying to think of something that doesn't begin and end with SHUT THE FUCK UP..................No luck, just a quick note to the blond guy with the pretty hair and the sweaters. Do not cross my path, for some reason you have rubbed me the wrong way.

-People from Toronto Part 2

Because it is so cool to say you live in that toilet, people who live anywhere around Toronto, anywhere! Say they live in Toronto. You could have to drive for two hours to get into the city and you say you are from Toronto. Like I said, it isn't that cool there and unless you actually live downtown, nobody gives a shit.

-Hardcore rappers and Hip hop artists who name drop "hard" areas in Toronto.

FUCK OFF! Go live in Detroit for a day and then write a song about your government subsidized pleasure land. There are real crime problems in Detroit, not to mention huge infrastructure problems that create a real poverty cycle. In Toronto, all you have are some small fish making a lot of noise in a pretty peaceful pond. In essence your singing about yourselves and maybe instead of doing stuff for lyrics, you could just clean up your act.

-Caribbana

Why must someone always die at this fucking thing? The wacky dresses are fun, we all love people from the Caribbean and the food, my god the food, but come on. Put the guns down. A) it's a street carnival and B) it's Canada, relax. (My fish is sick... I just want to buy a melon)

Is that all? Of course not, but for today. That is why I hate Toronto.

Sportscentre sucks and I am depressed

Isn't it the worst feeling in the world (yes ahead of the death of your own child) when the only sports news Canadian press has to talk about, OTHER THAN THE OLYMPICS, is the fucking Toronto Raptors. It's like they should just shut down the network for three weeks. No joke, on TSN.ca they have a story about the Raptors game tonight and a story about the Argos new head coach. Seriously?

I think I am over the whole Olympic movement. Just give us our 12 bronze medals and the one gold we care about, sorry ladies, but your brand of hockey is TOTALLY unwatchable, 13 year old boys play a tighter game, and let's get back to the NHL.

Sorry, my point was that while I may be tired of the Olympics, I hate the Toronto Raptors. My reasons are simple, it has to do with gambling or a lack there of. Remember the good old days when you could bet on basketball with proline? If you don't, it was awesome. 3pts was a tie. It was like taking candy from a baby. The NBA gives a team to a city 500kms away and all of a sudden I can't bet on basketball (I need a list on why I hate the city of Toronto). Nobody cares about this team, but I have to watch highlights all night long that lead into more NBA highlights that nobody cares about and then finally we get back to the non-Canadian NHL highlights and boom I have missed most of Letterman.

Fuck the NBA and not just because they gave us Gary Bettman.

sorry - this got me thinking, a quick thought on Bettman.

He was brought in to strengthen the NHL's position in the US because of his successes in the NBA.

Well this twatt ran the NBA during the end of the Bird Magic years (the best the NBA has ever scene or will ever see) and he happened to have a guy named Michael Jordan in his prime to help promote his product. What exactly did he do that made him a success. Nike, Converse and Reebok should have been the commissioners because that little hard-on Bettman did nothing but be white, short and useless. Anyway, his genius earned him the NHL job and...

then that little twatt, took over a league with Gretzky and Lemieux and did nothing but bring the NHL to bad markets (see blog) and take teams away from good markets. He has pushed salaries through the roof, forced two strikes, cost us a full season and half of another and prematurely ended the careers of some of the greatest players the game has ever seen, etc. etc.

FUCK BETTMAN, DEATH TO HIM IS THE ONLY JUSTICE

Loblaws Organic food section

If you need a good place to sit and read a book, might I recommend the Organic isles at your neighbourhood Loblaws.

I use to wonder if anyone ever shopped in that section. Well my last two trips to the grocery store have answered my question.

The answer is NO, with an asterisk.

The no comes from the fact that there is never anyone in those isles and if you check the products, they are all covered in dust. Take a close look at the products on the shelf because apparently "Organic" means low budget crappy packaging, inflated price.

My real beef with the organic section stems for the facts that once I have walked past the baby cloths, drug store and furniture section I still have to walk past three more isles of organic food to find actual food in my grocery store. It never fucking ends. My store has all of the following: The photo Mat, the video store, the dry cleaner, the coffee place, the food on the go stand, furniture section, baby section, separate drug store, electronics boutique, cigar store (no I am serious), flower shop, the cooking class, medical clinic and the FUCKING BANK.

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING GROCERIES? Keep walking dummy…

On to the asterisk.

Loblaws is not dumb (they are just cheap cocksuckers, more on my 8 years with National grocer when my therapists says I am ready). People do in fact buy organic food from those precious 3 isles.

So you never have to bump into these people, here is what to look for:

* White people

*Mid to late 30's

* usually a blond couple

* wearing ski jackets, with lift tags / sandles in the summer

* shopping with the purple hand basket, no big cart for Mr. and Mrs. important-Reynolds. Carts pollute the environment.

Did you know that every year 16 sperm whales die when they get trapped in a shopping cart someone has thrown into the ocean? MURDERERS

* Did I mention the couple is always "Common law" hence the hyphen "Reynolds"

* ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, WITHOUT FAIL wearing square or rectangular wire frame glasses. Eat some chemicals and your vision may come back you pretentious assholes.

*Last but not least. You know you have one of these cocksuckers in your sights when you get the "I am better than you look", from behind Dude's lady frames as you pass by the precious section in the store.

Sure you have No-Name KD in you cart, a 24 of Pepsi, some hot dogs or related products so you basically deserve the look, but....

The next time the "Organic" guy who drives the fucking RAV4 or the Honda CRV gives me "the look" it's on, and like Organic food, I fight fucking dirty.

Was I born under a rock?

I can't believe it took a text message to CBC from some jackass in Vancouver to show me the light.

Where the hell have I been? Why am I so oblivious?

This genius in Vancouver writes to CBC that "it is a little suspicious that an American government agency charges a friend an assistant coach of Wayne Gretzky with fraud, money laundering etc. etc. right before the Olympics are set to begin."

Think about it, they have 12 unnamed players involved and the only name released, sorry, leaked to the press, is Wayne Gretzky's wife. What the fuck does she have to do with anything, except that she is married to Gretz. The timing of the charges gave just enough time for the speculation to begin and I guess enough time for Gretzky to resign or at least put a HUGE black eye on the face of Canadian hockey. The Canadian press was worse than anybody, as I have previously mentioned, but you have to know, some AMERICAN FUCKING ASSHOLE JACKASS COCKSUCKER......(and it goes on and on like this) decided the timing to do the most damage. Enough time for speculatio, but not enough time for all the facts to come out, especially when you control the facts. Turns out he never lied, was not involved and even his wife never bet on hockey, so big deal right. Well this is still the story and Gretz is going to be forced to talk about it at the Olympics. He is the director of player personnel. He is not a coach and he is not a player so why is he answering any questions at all? He is just a guy with tickets to the games now.

God bless America. They know they are going to take a shit bath in the hockey tournament, they know we are going to gloat, and they remember that we booed them this year at the World Juniors they were supposed to win. So how do you get us back. If your Russia, you throw your guys over the boards to fight, if your American you take the moral high road, gambling is illegal, Pete Rose etc. Where is Vegas, Atlantic city and the Mississippi river boats?

Implicated players today include former olympians (American) John LeClair and (American)Jeremy Roenick. The entire Philedalphia Flyer organization is under the microscope and oh yeah Gretz's wife put some money on the superbowl. So naturally the Canadian team is the issue.

Fuck the US, come home Wayne.

You had me at hello, then lost me all together in Elizabethtown

Just watched Elizabethtown and it sucked...SUCKED. Dundst your career is over. And that is from a former fan who has always enjoyed you, but now believes the snaggletooth bitch hype.

Anyhoo

I am so fucking pissed at one particular aspect of that film. I am not mad at something new. I am mad at something that has become an all to common occurrence in a number of recent films.

Movies like Elizabethtown have a key poignant moment where a speech, a letter, story or dialogue is so moving that it has one of two effects.

1-The dialogue forces all within earshot to stop what they are doing and listen so intensely that everything fades away.

or

2- The speech moves the speaker to tears, laughter and/or fits of rage.

How do we know they are so moved? Well we can see it right there on the screen. Unfortunately, the writer is no good enough to actually pen the emotional conversation, so the director covers it with some "meaningful" song as we watch the speech and reaction.

Case in point, Orlando Bloom (give me a break on the name) finally talks to his father, or the ashes on his father while on an out of the blue road trip. He cries, he yells, he laughs he bangs his fists. Why? Who the fuck knows. The writer (Cameron Crow) wasn't strong enough to spell it out. We are just supposed to assume there are underlying issue/feelings that are being dumped. Unfortunately the rest of the movie doesn't point to any of this so we are forced to listen to some enjoyable early Elton John while Bloom does little more than drive a Mercury Marquis across America banging his fist on the ceiling and his head of the steering wheel. Remember what I said about cool guy cars? Mercury Marquis is not one of them.

Another example that REALLY bothered me was from "Finding Forrester". This example really highlighted this growing problem to me. Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie, but in a movie of 2 great writers, Busta Ryhmes made the only well written speech. As for the other actors, well in the key scene Shawn Connery reads a letter form his young protégé in front of an assembly of students and teachers. Everyone hangs off of every word, time literally fucking stops. But again, save three sentences we hear nothing but some bullshit song while we watch people really listening. It must have been something. Again here is a case where nobody can actually write or speak in such a fashion to make the room stop. Sure something could be penned, but if the "theatre" audience doesn't respond then your sort of fucked. So they play a good song instead.

I assume the point is that the words are only important to the actors, it is the reaction that is important to us. Unfortunately, when you make a movie about a great writer and a conspiracy involving great writing, playing a song over said "great writing" is kind of weak.

Here is a comparable example. If you make the movie "Victory" without Pele actually punking the Germans in a soccer match, it just can't work. Crowd reaction is important, but if you don't show us some moves then why bother watching the film? A writing film without writing is pretty useless, in exactly the same way a baseball film is useless without the strikeout.

Taka a chance and write something you actually feel and don't worry about the audience. Guilty party Cameron Crow actually did this in Jerry McGuire twice. The mission statement and the you had me at hello speech. So if he can do it, don't cheat, or wimp out, just do it.

Grammys fucked themselves - part 2

This extensive list is the worst collection of music I have ever seen. EVER! I own over 1000 cd's, all ranges and types (but basically, modern pop, rock etc.) and if I do a quick count of these songs I have 15 of them on CD. (one totally by accident, it's on a soundtrack)

15!

I have 15 of the songs of the year on CD. Am I out of touch? Or is it possible that I own too many! Is it that in 47 years maybe 10 of these songs are still recognizable today, outside of the world of comedy and the Simpsons.

2006 - U2 for "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own." I own it, but I have idea how it goes. -1 (14)
2005 - John Mayer for "Daughters" I am not a 16 year old girl, but I think he is.
2004 - Richard Marx and Luther Vandross for "Dance With My Father". Now he is buryed with his father.
2003 - Norah Jones for "Don't Know Why". Neither do I. Enough said.
2002 - Alicia Keys for "Fallin'". I don't know. She's hot I guess.
2001 - U2 for "Beautiful Day" It grew on me, but how is it that this is U2's last apperence. Ruined the surprise.
2000 - Carlos Santana featuring Rob Thomas* "Smooth". Hate this song.
1999 - Celin Dion "My Heart Will Go On". FUCK OFF. No other words necessary.
1998 - Shawn Colvin for "Sunny Came Home". This song is bullshit. Eddie Brickell is rolling in her grave.
1997 - Eric Clapton & Babyface / Wynonna for "Change the World". I have never heard of this song.
1996 - Seal for "Kiss From a Rose". Batman and Robins biggest caper to date.
1995 - Bruce Springsteen for "Streets of Philadelphia" . It's good, or as good as an AIDS song can be.
1994 - Regina Belle & Peabo Bryson for "A Whole New World (Aladdin's Theme)". Disney songs suck
1993 - Eric Clapton for "Tears in Heaven". Worst Clapton song ever. Only winner. -2 (13)
1992 - Irving Gordon for "Unforgettable" performed by Natalie Cole with Nat King Cole. What was wrong with the original?
1991 - Bette Midler for "From a Distance" Now you know why grunge started. It wasn't hair metal.
1990 - Bette Midler* for "Wind Beneath My Wings" What was going on in 1990-91
1989 - Bobby McFerrin for "Don't Worry, Be Happy" Can it be it just keeps getting worse
1988 - James Ingram & Linda Ronstadt "Somewhere Out There" Fifle? fucking fifle?
1987 - Elton John, Gladys Knight, Dionne Warwick & Stevie Wonder for "That's What Friends Are For". This song is so bad i can't understand what happened. Somebody must have asked for a favour. "Sing my song, please. I am going broke". that's what friends are for. how is this Elton's only win?
1986 - Lionel Richie & Michael Jackson for "We Are the World". Band aid was way better than this shit.
1985 - Tina Turner for "What's Love Got to Do with It?" Awsome, totally deserving (no I am serious)
1984 - Police for "Every Breath You Take" Can't argue, but I hate Sting
1983 - Willie Nelson for "Always on My Mind" Love Willy, love him.
1982 - Kim Carnes for "Bette Davis Eyes" A classic or a Guilty pleasure who cares
1981 - Christopher Cross for "Sailing" not exactly a classic
1980 - Kenny Loggins & Michael McDonald for "What a Fool Believes" performed by The Doobie Brothers - what fool believed this was a good song
1979 - Billy Joel for "Just the Way You Are" - fine but not his best
1978 - Barbra Streisand & Paul Williams for "Love Theme From A Star is Born (Evergreen)" give me a break
"You Light Up My Life" performed by Debby Boone - wait a minute a tie and I hate both of them
1977 - Barry Manilow for "I Write the Songs" Written by someone else. Whatever.
1976 - Judy Collins for "Send in the Clowns" - to quote sideshow Mel "they're already here". They picked this song
1975 - Barbra Streisand for "The Way We Were" Absolute 70's crap
1974 - Roberta Flack for "Killing Me Softly With His Song" very good song
1973 - Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" another great from Flack
1972 - Carole King for "You've Got a Friend" I hate this woman. She is why the ERA didn't pass -3 (12)
1971 - Simon and Garfunkelfor "Bridge Over Troubled Water" Good, but too gay
1970 - Joe South for "Games People Play" ????
1969 - Roger Miller / O.C. Smith for "Little Green Apples" and again, but just the guys this time ????
1968 - 5th Dimension for "Up, Up and Away" These guys beat the Beatles. A song about a magical ballon (not titled Levon) won an award. Go figure. -4 (11)
1967 - The Beatles for "Michelle" What else. I guess they had to stop fucking ignoring the biggest, most popular, most significant band in the world. Thanks for 1 trophy.
1966 - Tony Bennett for "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Love Theme From The Sandpiper)
1965 - Louis Armstrong for "Hello, Dolly!" this is just sad
1964 - Henry Mancini for "Days of Wine and Roses" I can't name the tune but I do hate Mancini, the only man in North America writing music apperently.
1963 - Anthony Newley for "What Kind of Fool Am I" the kind of who picked this bullshit
1962 - Henry Mancini "Moon River" more mellow shit for your dentist's office
1961 - Ernest Gold for "Theme From Exodus" play it on your way out
1960 - Jimmy Driftwood for "The Battle of New Orleans" Name that tune
1959 - Domenico Modugno for "Nel Blu Dipinto di Blu (Volare)" Ignoring coming trends

So after all is said and done, Elvis' comeback (in the Ghetto, Suspicious minds) ignored. The Rolling Stones nowehere and 1 fuckign Beatle's song. Bette Midler won 2 years in a row. Clearly, unless you are a no talent American hack, you cannot win this award. Sure there are some exceptions, but think about popular music since 1965 and then name the significant Artists, then name the significant American artists. One last thing. The find those significant American artists on this list. Spoiler, they aren't there.

I said "Fuck the Grammys", turns out they fucked themselves - part 1

Part 1 Best New Artist

2006 John Legend – We’ll see, but 1000 – 1 this is it
2005 Maroon 5 – One and out, and that is a lock
2004 Evanescence – Already broke up
2003 Norah Jones – doesn’t write her own music. Obviously totally replacable.
2002 Alicia Keys - maybe
2001 Shelby Lynne – after a 10 year career and five albums, best new artist. Now where is she?
2000 Christina Aguilera – Done and done
1999 Lauryn Hill – Wasn’t she is a band 5 years before this. Done and done.
1998 Paula Cole – The fucking girl for Dawson’s creek? Yeah great.
1997 LeAnn Rimes – Whatever, 1 good song written by someone else and what else
1996 Hootie & the Blowfish – AWSOME, I think they cancelled Friends because of these guys
1995 Sheryl Crow - A girl who plays rock is money in the bank. Besides “All I wanna do” was BULLSHIT
1994 Toni Braxton – Fuck off. Her 2000 comeback has resulted in a number of #98 Billboard singles
1993 Arrested Development – One and out. Opps I forgot the unplugged album. Sorry Mr. Wendell
1992 Marc Cohn –Shot in the face. Obviously somebody hated walking in Memphis as much as me.
1991 Mariah Carey – Tommy Matolha you asshole. If it is bad in music, this is the problem.
1990 Milli Vanilli (revoked) – Their shit holds up better than everybody else so far. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba BABY
1989 Tracy Chapman – One album, ten years later a follow up. Good, but…
1988 Jody Watley – Greatest hits sold 100,000 copies. Enough said.
1987 Bruce Hornsby & the Range – Oh Canada, bullshit
1986 Sade – Hot, clunks one out everyonce and a while. Maybe.
1985 Cyndi Lauper – I love the album, but she was a one and done. Everything else she has done since with the exception of I drove all night, was shit
1984 Culture Club – does he win if they could prove he was gay? They had a great three year run. Thanks
1983 Men at Work - Broke up after the first record
1982 Sheena Easton - GARBAGE, except for marrying Sonny on Miami Vice
1981 Christopher Cross – One and done
1980 Rickie Lee Jones – Fucking awful. One fucking song about a guy she was banging
1979 A Taste of Honey – One SONG and done
1978 Debby Boone – come on, Christian artists just prove White people are useless
1977 Starland Vocal Band – I don’t even know how to respond to this
1976 Natalie Cole – took 25 years to get anything out of her and she just ripped off her dad
1975 Marvin Hamlisch - Composer? I don't get it
1974 Bette Midler – Best comedy album, okay. Loudest buck toothed bitch, sure.
1973 America – The horses name was Neil Young, stop ripping him off.
1972 Carly Simon - Absolutely, no problem
1971 Carpenters – fuck off, glad she's dead
1970 Crosby, Stills & Nash – Not my bag, but okay
1969 Jose Feliciano - whatever
1968 Bobbie Gentry – again, whatever
1967 none. Excuse me?

Here is the real problem. Is somebody trying to tell me that in 1966 – 1969 these were the BEST new artists. Not Hendrix, the Doors, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, even the fucking Bee-Gee’s for christ sake. These guys. Sure. We all get things wrong, but this worng?

1966 Tom Jones – The best Vegas has to offer, on a Tuesday night
1965 The Beatles – Do you think? This was probably a close vote.
1964 Ward Swingle (The Swingle Singers) – String Quartet. Sure, one quartet is always better than the other
1963 Robert Goulet –The best Atlantic city has to offer on a Wednesday afternoon
1962 Peter Nero – A guy named Bob Dylan released his first album in 1962, you be the judge.
1961 Bob Newhart – Probably the most successful of all the Best New artists.
1960 Bobby Darin – Splish Splash 1958. He was writing and recording in the mid 50’s so fuck off.

In 46 years only 13 of these artists could even be considered acceptable. Nice job.

New Jersey, you're out of the NHL

I am sick and tired of watching American hockey franchises play in a building with Canadian sponsorship, in front of 10,000 fake fans.

Regardless of the quality of the team (New Jersey Devils) some American markets just cannot support an NHL franchise. Sure they can support the team financially through tax breaks, corporate sponsors, and state and municipal grants, but these teams with zero fan support are the equivalent of the Washington Generals and every real NHL franchise are the Harlem Globetrotters.

For example

New Jersey - 11 of the teams 29 home games had less than 13,000 in attendance. 6 of those games had barley 10,000 people. Now this team is a 3 time Stanley cup Champion, 3 in the last 10 years. If anybody deserves some hometown support it’s these guys. I know your thinking that maybe the opponents sucked for those 6 games with 10,000 fans. Nope, Ottawa (play off and conference rival), Pittsburgh (with Lemieux and Crosby in the line-up) and Defending Champs Tampa Bay. The town goes crazy come playoff time, but it is a fucking embarrassment that this team is allowed to operate with zero hometown support during an 82 games season every year. This isn't even a new thing. After all this team was in Kansas City and Colorado and couldn't draw dick and that continues to this day in New Jersey.

New York Islanders - 15 of the teams 28 home games had less than 13,000 in attendance. 9 of those games had barley 10,000 people. With home and road games, they have played in front of less than 13,000 fans 23 times in 55 games. On the road or at home, everybody hates to watch these guys.

Washington - 14 of the teams 30 home games had less than 13,000 in attendance. 5 of those games barley had 10,000 people. In fact they played 5 consecutive games where less than 11,000 people showed up to watch (home and road). Fuck Ovechkin. Nobody wants to watch these guys play.

Carolina - 10 of the teams 28 home games had less than 13,000 in attendance. This is supposed to be the best fucking team in the league. The Whalers always drew more than 14,000. How does moving that team improve the finances of the team or the image of the league?

Nashville - another team that played at home in front of less than 13,000 fans 10 times.

Anaheim - yet another team that has played 10 home games in front of less than 13,000 fans. In fact they played another 4 games in front of barley 13,000 fans.

But wait a minute, every team in the league suffers from a down game once and a while. Right?

To-date the Edmonton Oilers have played in front of 25 sell out crowds (16,839) and one non-sell out, of course that game was 300 tickets shy of a sell out.

The Calgary Flames have played at home in front of 27 sell-outs in 27 games (19,289). What more can you say?

I fucking hate the Ottawa Senators, but even this bunch of assholes haven't played a home game in front of less than 18,600 fans. They have only played in front of less than 18,900 four times, but have played in front of more than 20,000 4 times. I have no idea what an actual sell out is in Ottawa (except building the rink in Stittsville) but the team averages 19,400 fans a game. Even more impressive is that this city appears to just love hockey, regardless of the opponent. The year’s biggest crowds to-date belong to the likes of the Islanders, Carolina and Washington (and of course Toronto).

Hot bed of Hockey, Montreal, no surprise, 26 home games, 26 sell outs (21,273). Again, enough said.

Vancouver 26 home games, 26 sell outs (18,630). Proving a point gets a little boring doesn't it?

Last one. Toronto, our evil empire, again I have no idea what a sell out is in Toronto (except somebody who commutes, but still says they live in Toronto), but it has to be more than 19,200 because this team has not played in front of less all year.

Phil Esposito said in a recent interview that hockey doesn't work in Canada and that it does in the US and they proved that with Tampa Bay. Besides the fact that Espo ran the team into the ground and then got throw out on his ass, this was a team three years ago that was GIVING AWAY 10,000 tickets a game and still couldn't get anyone to show up.

Hockey works in Canada. Take 4 of the loser American franchises and give them to Saskatoon, Winnipeg, Quebec City and Hamilton for FREE. No debt, no nothing, and see what happens. Nobody wants to watch Atlanta play Nashville anywhere USA included, but Hamilton / Toronto or Quebec / Montreal now that is something everyone can enjoy.

Fuck the Press in their Fucking asses, Fuckers

So Gretz, did nothing wrong, but it still worthwhile questioning his character until we have all the anwsers.

If a story doesn't develop fast enough, develop it.

The press reports that there have been suggestions that Gretzky shouldn't be allowed to go to the Olympics.

Who made the suggestion? The press. Why? So they could then report on the suggestion.

Fuck the press, fuck them in their stupid asses.

Take Gretzky out of the equation and ask yourself "Who really cares how much money a millionaire gambles on football and horse races?".

Sports media that's who. Everybody loves a story. Except me. Fucking American pricks are all of a sudden interested in hockey because something totally unrelated to hockey has happened. If they care so much about the integrity of the game. Buy a fucking ticket and go watch a fucking game.

Fucking Grammy's

A couple of thoughts on music and the Grammy’s.

If today's music was better, would they need such elaborate dance routines to make people connect with a song?

Gorillaz and Madonna shared an odd medley to open the Grammy's and puppets, cartoons and 50 dancers were required to get the crowd cheering. The song was unidentifiable. It struck me that Madonna wrote a song in order to allow for a pre-existing dance routine. It seems obvious that her writers plan her music around moves, instead of vice versa. Would it make a difference? Probably not, but maybe if the song was written regardless of whether it was danceable, we might get a few more Sgt. Peppers and a few less Britney’s and Madonna's.

To expand on the Gorillaz, since when was gay club, ecstasy driven Euro bullshit considered actual music. Like do people ever sit back and enjoy the Gorillaz? Let's relax honey. Put MArvin GAye away and grab that new one fromt he Gorillaz. This band and all the bullshit like it is an excuse to dance. It isn't music. Gorillaz are what is on in the club you are at, it doesn't make people want to dance, it just gives them an excuse.

Is it too much to suggest that if today's music was better, we wouldn't need the Grammy's?

The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin are just a few of the bands/artists who at the peak of their power lost Grammy awards to songs and artists nobody has heard from since (Christopher Cross for instance). This isn't even the "Best new artist" argument. That story tells itself.

The Grammy's are just a ploy to sell albums for flagging records (American Records).

Use the Beatles as an example (or insert another credible artist name here). Why would the Beatles need a Grammy to help their record sell? A Grammy does nothing for the Beatles. This "award" was so insignificant until the red carpet phenomenon that the mega artists never went to the awards because they didn't need to. The Grammy's were for second place (Second place at the Special Olympics). They were a 50’s style publicity tour with a trophy (Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis and Fats Domino on the same bill at the Appollo with a grammiphone and a cash bar). If you ever wondered why these guys all preformed together in the 50's and 60's it wasn't to give back to the fans, it was to sell singles.

Nominated or winning records double their sales the day after this event. It is like a K-Tel package. You see it on TV and want it. Your introduced to all the new music in one place and no other advertisement can do that.

To be a bit more modern, in an infamous, but totally forgettable event, Eminem lost to Steely Dan for album of the year. No doubt Steely Dan benefited greatly from their award, but it would have meant very little to Eminem. So the award goes to Steely Dan. Look at U2, they have won 8 Grammy's in they're history and five of them were for the current album. No doubt the other three were for the last album. Were their last two albums better than Joshua Tree or Achtung Baby? No, they aren't even in the same league. Those two albums were important, so why do they win their Grammy's for their third rate stuff?

Even better than that, does U2 show up and perform if they don't know in advance that they won? Should we be surprised that they attended both events where they won trophies, but were no shows every year before?

How about Paul McCartney (the good Beatle), well he goes to the Grammy's every year now. Are they more credible today, than in the 60's when he couldn’t get a sniff? No, but he is trying to sell some records to maintain the image. Same holds true for Stevie Wonder. Both of these mega artists are a fading memory, something pleasant, but certainly not relevant, so they go to these shows to get back into the spotlight. It never really works, but that is what they do. In doing this, they give these award shows credibility. “The award must be important, after all Springsteen, McCartney, Wonder and Bowie were there”. Sure all of the legends were at the 2006 Grammy's but none of them have won as many Grammy's as someone like Mariah Carey. Does that make any sense? Only if they are trying to sell records.

Fuck the Grammy's

And now something for the guys!

I love telling people what to do.

I love telling people what not to do.

I love telling people they're wrong.

Doing the things you love is important. Unfortunately it isn't always possible. For instance, there is a lot of shit going on in the bathroom where I work that is wrong which people shouldn't be doing, but how do you tell them about bathroom etiquette without breaking a key rule of bathroom etiquette (ie. don't fucking talk to me or look at me while I am reliving myself)?

So this is my avenue to inform and educate.

1-Like I said, do not under any circumstances talk to me while I am pissing or shitting unless you are like my best friend in the world. Even then, it better be funny.

Case in point - talking to someone from inside a bathroom stall. NEVER DO THIS. I know what you are doing in there and I don't want to talk about it, or over it, if you know what I mean.

2-While using a stall you have a bit of time on your hands, but please stop spitting snot all over the walls. Oh yeah, people actually do this. I have no idea who started this or how it started, but it has to fucking stop. There is a whole roll of paper right by your left hand. Got a booger? Put it in the paper.

3-Wash your fucking hands. For the love of god, soap, lather, hot water, what a great combination. Give them a try after you touch piss, shit, snot and other assorted things. You'll thank me later.

4-Don't brush your fucking teeth at the bathroom sink. I don't know why I hate this, but it bugs the shit out of me. Some cocksucker giving me an "I better than you" look because he brushes 3 times a day instead of 2.

5-Don't piss half bare assed. Instead of undoing their pants (belt, button, fly whatever) they pull their retard elastic waist pants down around their waist and piss with their ass showing. Oh yes, people still fucking do this and you know what? It ain't okay. Nobody needs to see a 50 year old mans bare ass while they piss, NOBODY! It’s funny when a 5 year old learns to use a urinal and he does it, but in a public bathroom, in this day and age nobody’s ass should be on display and that includes gay public bathroom pick up joints. We all pay for those toilets; if you want a casual fuck, take it to a hotel like everyone else.

6-This one bothers me more than almost anything. Why do people piss in the stalls instead of the Urinals? There are a number of issues with this, but it basically revolves around the fact that without fail they are going to piss on the seat. Generally speaking I have yet to meet a Francophone that will piss at the urinal. It must be a distinct society thing, but I find it very hard to understand why pissing with the air of shit in your nose is preferred to pissing at the urinal. As I type the only explanation I have is that these guys are all bare assed pissers who have some dignity, in that case continue I suppose, but lift the fucking seat. Of course this causes a bigger problem because the guys who piss in the stalls never wash their fucking hands and the thought adding the touching of a dirty toilet seat to their already filthy hands grosses me out. So I guess what I am saying is just smarten the fuck up and piss like everyone else.

7-This is a big one for the corporate world. You know your boss? The guy with the nice suit and perfect hair. The guy with the immaculate office and the clean car etc. etc. etc. Well this guy takes your work, or whatever you give him to "get back to you on" into the toilet with him while he shits. This is a 50 year old man who's digestive system is in the process of collapsing, who reads and corrects your shit while he shits. His "business" is never quiet, it always smells and it takes a long fucking time. The whole time he is shitting that work of yours is in his hot little hands. Then this guy leaves the bathroom and throws that fucking biohazard on your desk and says "good job Martin". That's right, your boss really does leave his shit on your desk. In addition, he takes the group/team/division copy of the newspaper in there too. Just thought you should know.

8-This one goes back to the 50 year old man who is in the toilet for a long time making a lot of noise. I wish I was at the point in my life where I was comfortable with my bathroom orchestra, but I am not and you shouldn't be either. I can't stress this enough, but if there is a rumble down below cover it up with a flush. Nobody wants to here you fart and nobody wants to here your shit hit the water. Courtesy flush, courtesy flush, courtesy flush. And hey! When you're finished why not try actually flushing the fucking toilet. There is nothing that will ruin your day like seeing somebody else's shit in the bowl. I stand corrected there is one thing, seeing somebody else's shit all over the fucking bowl/seat/wall.

Holy shit, we all shit that's a given, but some people take barber shop to new heights. How can these people can still look themselves in the mirror after they have shit all over the fucking place, whipped their ass one time and walked out Scott free with your report under one arm without washing their hands? Wonder why I am asking how they can look themselves in the mirror? Because that is the last thing they do before they leave the bathroom. They fix their fucking corporate hair style. That's right, 1- shit 2- whip in hair 3- leave.

So finally rule 9- If you shit/piss and don't plan on washing your hands, do your self a favour, don't bother fixing you hair with your shitty piss hands. Who are you trying to look good for, bacteria?

So that’s it. Stick to those simple rules and I will be a much happier participant in the whole public bathroom thing.

Some Hedgehoge saw his shadow

Big fucking deal a woodchuck woke up and it was sunny outside. I am not going to let the superstitions of some German immigrants ruin my efforts to speed up global warming.

The radio yesterday suggested that instead of a beaver or other rodent we try and spot a Dodge Shadow on the streets to predict the length of winter. Now I usually hate everything (YES EVERYTHING) radio people say, but this one got me thinking. What was I thinking? Good fucking idea.

So here it is if I see a Dodge Shadow, not a Sunbeam or a Spirit on any of my drives today I predict there will be six more weeks of winter. Fuck the ground rat; this seems like a much fairer thing to do. Drive in or drive home if I see one of those shit boxes today I will change my usual routine of pointing and laughing and use that car to predict the weather. How ominous.

HEADLINE FEBRUARY 2, 2006

Dodge Shadow used for good not evil!

The Ottawa Senators and their short memory

The “suggestion” by the Ottawa Senators that Ray Emery not wear the Tyson mask proves that this team has a genuine social conscious, and a very short memory. When it comes to the Senators they’ll forget anything if you can help the team.

Early examples include former Ottawa Senator Dan Quinn. An fan favorite on Yashin’s line and the team liked him enough two signed him twice despite legal issues while with Pittsburgh that were very similar to Tyson’s problems.

What about current superstar Dany Heatley? I can hear it now, “Heatley had an accident, let him move on!” Sure a 20 year old millionaire driving a Ferrari had a one car accident on a city street serve enough to end a man’s life, he must have been blameless. Just a stupid kid making a terrible mistake, like they say too much money too fast. What was Tyson’s excuse as a 25 year old millionaire? At least Tyson served time, unlike the other Senator honourable mentions.

Home town boys apparently get the same forgive and forget treatment from the local press, team and fans. Nick Boyton former Captain of the 67’s always gets a nice “local boy” cheer, but didn’t he and a few friends beat up a taxi cab driver in the Byward market for little to no reason?

You can go on and on with these types of lists, but what I am trying to say is that the Ottawa Senators “suggested” Ray Emery not wear a mask featuring Mike Tyson, but they do not mind him sharing the rink with Dany Heatley, or signing Dan Quinn, or promoting in any number of ways that Nick Boyton played for the 67’s.

Maybe I should just forget Heatley’s accident until he stops scoring. That is a little cold, but with Mike Tyson we forgot until he stopped winning. Mike Tyson was “boxing” to boxing fans of a certain era and then the talent and money dried up, and we remembered the past faults and dropped him like a stone. That won’t happen to Heatley right? Does anyone remember Kevin Stevens or Theo Fleury? Even if the future doesn’t hold the same fate for Heatley, will the Senators let the 10 year old fans of today honour Heatley when they make the NHL? Just asking.

Lonely old maid

A lonely old maid got married recently, much to the displeasure of her many cats.

To make matters worse, she is now pregnant. The cats? Well they will be put to sleep of course.

For too long the old maid's ardent stance against marriage made her look sad and pathetic "why would I want a man tying me down and ruining everything? I've got girls night at Puzzels, lady's ringette at the rink, the Bachelor on Friday nights and Sens games with my mom", but now there is nothing sadder and more pathetic than an old maid that has finally landed a man. "Fuck everything that ever mattered to me in my life. Fuck my Saturday night date with my mom. Fuck over analyising the health and well being of my cats. I have a man now and despite our sad little life, it is way better than playing dressup with you Mr. Puss, and especially you Madame Boots." Loneliness makes for great companions.

Good Luck to all of the Aunt Selma's of the world

Wiford Brimley

The movie "the Firm" featured an unlikely villian.

Wilford Brimley.

Is it impossible that he plays a bad guy? No. But is it impossible that he plays the tough guy? Yes it is.

He and his albino henchman tried to ruin Cruise's life in the Firm. He took dirty pictures, muscled him into offices, talked tough and ran after him through the streets. He is fucking 80 years old. The man drove an Oldsmobile Delta 88 as his tough guy car, a Delta 88. Not exactly the car from the Ike Turner song. That was probably Brimley's real car. You know he's got the seats set the way he likes them and if he drives something other than his Silver Stream he ruins his back for a week. Did I mention it was gold?

Tough guy = 1992 Gold Oldsmobile Delta 88.

What the hell was going on in this movie. If Brimley gives you shit, punch him in the kidney and wait for the infection/flu bug that will eventually kill him. Tom Cruise, Mr. Top Gun, Mission Impossible, Mr. Nascar, Irish Boxer etc. etc. couldn't put down Wilford Brimley? This guy was so tough that in the movie he got beat to death by a briefcase. Cruise doesn't even lay a hand on him. What a bunch of pussies. Movie lawyers are all pussies.

The client - Susan Surandon - beat up a couple of times
Pelican Brief - Julia Roberts - Beat up, chased, boyfriend murdered etc.
Erin Brockovich - Albert Finney - Julia Roberts pushed him around
Rainmaker - Matt Damond - watched his lady get beat up, then he gets his ass kicked and then let the girlfriend kill the ex-husband him so he didn't have to take the heat.
A Time to Kill - Matthew McConaughey - enough said
Pretty Woman - Jason Alexander - This is a stretch, but he was deathly affraid of his wife and beats up women.

I could go on

Here is what I imaging the preproduction meeting that got Brimley hired went like

Sydney Pollack -
Gene Hackman can play the security guy

Tom Cruise -
No he is too old. The French Connection was like thirty years ago, get real. Make him my mentor.

Pollack -
Fine Tom, but then who plays the tough guy?

Cruise -
You know who is scaring the shit out of me these days? The guy from the oatmeal commercials. You know, he's all in your face with his hot fucking cereal. "Eat it, it's good for you". Now get somebody like him, tough and scary.

P.A.-
Wilford Brimley? Isn't he the spokes person for the AARP?

Pollack -
Thank you, that was bugging me, now shut up. He is scary, he'll be perfect. Do you think he can still drive in the state of Louisiana?

As an aside, Brimley did a commerical recently where he played himself playign a cop on a movie set. His stuntman made the jump over the fence and Brimley appeared. Well now he is 90 and the idea of him jumping that fence is so totally fucking crazy, but to make matters worse he goes into a rant about life insurance or some bullshit. A supposed action hero talking about life insurance? Brimley as an action hero?

I am so sorry gay people

They say you have to walk a mile in a man's shoes to know something about him or whatever. In truth I have never heard the end of that one.

Today I think I have walked a mile in a gay man's shoes. Actually, I think I drove about five miles in a gay man shoes. What a revelation. It was totally unplanned, but on my drive to work I suddenly realized that I had been listening to "I was made for loving you baby" by KISS at full blast for a few minutes. I was lost in the fucking hard driving beat. Well I never felt gayer in my life. Unfortunately I wasn't driving a white Miata in sandals, but in my soul I was.

YMCA is just to obvious to be a true gay experience, but when the driving beat of KISS get going, and you start moving well you're gay my friends, even if it only lasts 3 minutes, you're a fucking may pole for 3 minutes.

So to gay people everywhere, I am sorry, I understand now.

Sex songs, elevated shoes, make up, chest hair and driving beats. It's all cool with me.

Shine on you crazy diamonds!

SORRY FUCK

It's about the Bruins again.

For some reason I love the stats, so here is another set of stats to add to the anti-Thornton pile.

Before the trade

Bruins - 8-13-5

Sharks - 8-12-4

The same basically. Since the trade.

Bruins - 14-9-3

Sharks - 15-7-3

The same basically. Kind of weird. The problem is that for his huge salary, Thoronton has gotten San Jose 1 extra win. The three garbage guys that everyone said would ruin the Bruins have preformed as well if not better than San Jose's Joe Thornton. So the Bruins have a million in the bank and no baby crying about how the owners should stand up for his laziness.

I am so fucking glad I never bought a Thornton Jersey.